Our Courtship part 2

So I am home in Wisconsin, I'm in my parents basement and working as a cashier at Stein's Gardens and Gifts as well as driving pizzas for Pizza Hut and I am miserable.  I had many talks with my mother about Robin and what had happened.  She could see how down I was.  I am grateful I had a chance to drive pizzas.  It gave me a lot of time in my car at night in the darkness with time to think.  I thought about the good times I had with Robin, how I felt when I was around her.  I thought about what went wrong, what I did wrong.  I wish I could say that I came to some great epiphany that changed me forever but I didn't.  More than anything I just needed time away from Provo and all the memories.

One night this song came on the radio.  I had never heard it before but the words somehow captured exactly what I was feeling.  I literally had tears rolling down my cheeks as the song ended.  This is the song.


 The words of that song so perfectly described what was in my head.  Somehow hearing that song began the healing for me.  Not that it gave me any hope for Robin and I.  But when you are hurting you have this feeling of separation from the world.  You feel like nobody else understands what you are going through.  That loneliness is the hardest part.  When I heard that song I knew that I wasn't the only one going through what I was.  It gave me hope to know that someone else felt what I was feeling.  Although I was still missing Robin, that night in the car with that song began my recovery.

Robin and I talked over the summer periodically and it was like we were still dating in a way.  We could talk about anything and did.  We talked for hours at a time.  She even sent me a package with some talks and material about the last days that she thought I would find interesting.  I have to admit that I looked forward to our talks even though I knew that holding out hope for us was not good for me.

I did date for the first time that summer.  It was a girl at work and it didn't last long.  She lived on her own and wasn't a member of the church and I knew that if I wanted to remain worthy I would have to break it off so I did.  We continued to work together which made it a bit awkward, but mostly on her part.  It's kind of funny the things people do after a relationship is over.  Even a two week relationship.

So the summer ended and I found myself back in Provo.  I still didn't want to see Robin in the car with some guy, having a good time, but I was better able to deal with it after a summer away.  Robin was to arrive a few weeks after me so I watched and waited to see if she would contact me and how quickly.  A week after what I thought was her arrival date went by and then a few more days.  I was talking with my mom and told her that if that is all Robin thought of me then I was truly done with her.  I was a little upset that she hadn't at least called to tell me she was in town.  Just as I was about to write her off I got a call from Robin telling me that she just got in that day and would like to see me.

Of course that changed everything and all was forgiven.  The problem at that point was that nothing had really changed between us.  I was still running after her and she was still keeping me at a safe distance.  She didn't respect me because I was too eager, too suffocating.  I had lessons to learn and I couldn't do it while dating her.  I see that now, but at the time I was just happy she called.

We had a nice visit and we continued to keep in touch.  Not dating but going out once in a while to spend time together as friends.  Of course I was still holding a torch for her so many of these visits were just reminders of what was and weren't really helping me move on which is what I needed to do.

A few months later we went on a date that changed everything for me.  We went and played raquetball together one morning and were having our usual good time together.  I once again still hoped each time we saw each other that it would spark something and get us back together.  I certainly wasn't moving on.  I was dating some but I compared everyone to her and no one did.  We talked as we played about a Christmas work party in early December that I could invite a date to.  We agreed we would go together, once again kindling a hope in me that we still had a future.  Then she dropped the bomb.

She had to cut our time short because she had to go get ready for preference that night.  She had asked somebody else out to the very dance she had taken me to the year before.  She "preferred" somebody else.  I was devastated.  I didn't say much to Robin as we finished up and I took her home.  I knew as I dropped her off that I really and truly needed to get over her.  In fact, I needed to just get over and be done with relationships for a while. I was angry.  Mad at Robin, mad at me, mad at women in general.  I decided after that date that I needed to change how I looked at the whole thing.  No more puppy dog coming with my tail wagging for any interesting girl who would give me the time of day.  I decided I didn't care what others thought of me.  If I dated then fine, if I didn't, even better.  It wasn't an experiment, I had experienced a change of attitude.

I figured my new attitude would mean lots of nights alone in my apartment.  The thing was, the exact opposite occurred.  For the first time in my life there weren't enough days in the week for the dates I went on.  I had one stretch where I dated a different girl ten days in a row.  I wasn't looking for a relationship and they knew it, and that intrigued them I guess.  It still doesn't make sense to me, but the proof was in the results.  My new attitude had me so busy I couldn't think about Robin and feel sorry for myself any longer.  Besides, she "preferred" that other guy, so it was time to put those feelings away and move on, and I did.  Dating so often did something for me.  It gave me the confidence I lacked.  I realized that girls were interested in me, that there was nothing wrong with me.

During this time I stayed in touch with Robin but at a safe distance.  We didn't have any more of our little friend dates.  (I was too busy)  We just chatted on the phone once in a while.  I don't know if she sensed the change in me but I felt it. I was finally over her and ready to move on.  Not that my feelings had disappeared, I was just ready to move on and find someone as into me as I was into them and up until that point, Robin had never made me feel that way.

At the end of my dating spree I met a strawberry blonde girl named Heather from Canada.  We hit it off pretty quickly for some reason and starting seeing each other exclusively.  She had a lot of personality and for a time I liked that.  We went from dating to seeing each other exclusively to boyfriend and girlfriend.  We even discussed marriage even though that was pretty stupid.  We only knew each other one month.  A little problem arose though.  That Christmas work party was coming and I had asked Robin to go.  To make things worse Heather worked with me so it was technically her work party too.  She and I talked about what to do and I knew Heather wanted me to bow out with Robin and take her instead and really that is what a normal person would have done.  But I didn't want to cancel that date.  I was over Robin, I was in a good place personally and even had a new girlfriend, yet I didn't want to break that date with Robin.

Heather agreed that I should honor that invitation and that we would just spend time together after so I picked up Robin and headed to the party.  When we sat down Heather and a friend of hers decided to come sit with us at our table just to really make it awkward.  A good friend from my mission Kevin Marquis and his wife were also there so they were at the table too.  It was very awkward.  I couldn't really have a conversation with Robin because Heather was right there.  I felt bad, because everyone at the table knew what was going on except Robin.  I hadn't brought her to be mean to her or rub my new relationship in her face.  We were there only an hour or so when I realized what a mistake I'd made and that to be fair to Robin I needed to take her home.  At the first opportunity I suggested we leave, that I wasn't feeling well.

She seemed quite surprised that I was taking her home early.  On the way home she even suggested that we go do something else.  I declined and took her home.  It was quite a change for us.  Normally I was always trying to extend our time together.  I think she realized that finally I was over her.  I'll let her tell her side in her own words.

After I dropped her off I went back to the party and spent another few hours with Heather.  I couldn't help but compare Robin and Heather. I compared how I felt when I was around them.  What we talked about.  It wasn't a good comparison for Heather.  It was at that moment where things took a downward turn in our relationship.  We kept dating for another month but that spark that had brought us together so quickly started to fade.  I didn't expect to reunite with Robin.  But after that night I knew I wanted somebody like her.